I never feel loved. I feel as though I have to put in 90% of the effort in all relationships and friendships. I guess this might be karma haha. But. I hate it. I spend days alone and at night people hit me but idk, I can never find time because I have plans or old friends that I have to attend to.
I guess I should get used to being left out but I'm not. Your bestfriends are supposed to always be dependable but theyre not for me. I hate it. I dont feel true connections between people, I always force it or try too hard to make the friendship work when in reality its unnatural and shouldnt have occured.
I sit at home, alone, on tumblr or fb all day and someone will text me or call me asking where to get drugs or something. Like that shit makes me feel horrible. I am always told last where the party is, or I hear about it from someone else.
All girls are flakes and fakes, I feel so much doubt about it, I dont want to wifey up a chick. I want someone new, just one person I could be friends forever with, that would hang out with me all day and night and be a lover and bestfriend. Someone different. I hate this.
Lately I've been smoking and drinking way too much and its realy bad, I feel like I might have an actual issue but I havent smoked in 2 days so I guess not, like I can actually control it but I feel like my mind really just wants to drink and smoke til I forget the course of my life.
I want to dissapear to see who would miss me.
