Hello 2011. Its a whole new year, meaning new experiences and friends and time to spend and waste in ways I cannot imagine. A whole year of laughs, tragedys and dissapointments are going to be left behind. I fear the future but I'm kindof glad the past is behind me. So many things can happen in 12 months. I never realized how much my personality can change, how my point of view of the world can change, how much can be crammed in as little at 365 days. Each day spent developing and soul searching. This year was probably the one year that helped me mold who I am. It felt completely different, the way everything happened. Nothing is the same, this is the transition to adulthood. Each year goes through its course but this year was different. I had a taste, an experience of what life will really be like. No more innocent games..
I've created many new and lasting friendships, been louder and talked to people I've never met
I've lost a few friends, grown distant, lost a few more, made a few enemies
I've met many wonderful people I will always remember, as they have impacted my life
I've made memories that will always be the same epic memories and stories in my head, no matter how much time and aging changes us, the memories we have will always make me hapy
I've had many long pondering conversations about life, technology, women, psychology, and listened to music that changed my tastes for the better
I gained some muscles, lost some muscle, lost some fat, gained some muscle and I'm finally doing wrestling
Through all of this happening, some things could've turned out perfectly. I don't regret a thing, I had a wonderful ride. The only thing to top 2010 is 2011. I look back into this year and wave farewell. I had an amazing year and I look forward to this new one.
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I wonder how people live with themselves. I mean, I myself haven't been the best kid in the world, but shit. How do people seem to live with no conscience? How do people perpetually fail to correct what is wrong with their life? Why do people just sit and put up with the abuse? Why do things fail to change? New Years resolutions never pull through and people will still let you down. 2011 is just a number, albeit my graduating year number. Aside from that, nothing will be different tomorrow, life will still suck and things will make me unhappy.
Lately I've been feeling lethargic. I just want to sleep forever. Or constantly be high or drunk. Nothing fulfills my needs anymore. Nothing makes me happy. It seems like I set myself up for dissapointment everyday, relying on people I just cannot rely on. I don't know who my real friends are. I don't want to be here. I want to start over, I want to be a carefree child, living completely in the moment. You only have the time you have now, you never know when you may die, I only wish I realized this sooner. For awhile I've been stuck deciding whether I want to enjoy my life in the moment, be carefree, happy go lucky, doing whatever I want.. or just worrying, caring, having feelings, getting attached, getting hurt, thinking about the past, thinking about the future, pondering all levels of life and slowly creeping further and further away from my peers. I feel like I've been isolating myself.
I've been a lonely kid for awhile now. I've never felt quite at home with any particular group, only specific people in general. I've always felt different, distant. I've never really fit in, never found my niche.. I find that thats a terrible thing to be around the holidays. Around the holidays you need close friends, not different groups you're not as comfortable around. As much as I hate to stick to a certain group and be labled, I think that is the only way to enjoy your New Years party. I wish I stopped going to so many different parties and stopped hanging out with so many different groups just for this holiday season as it makes it hard for me to be completely happy. For a second, the SLC felt like my family. I loved hanging out with them, we were the tightest group ever, we were on a cloud and no one could stop us. I had never been so comfortable around people in my life. Until everyone gets out of lockdown, I'm stuck alone. At last nights party, I had never felt so alone in a crowded room.
I should never put too much faith in you people. You do nothing but let me down. You don't support anything. You ask for openness and for people to be themselves because they act fake. Then society and the public eye judges. I'm sick of comformist, weak willed people. I hate that all girls are the same. They set you up to knock you down. They make you feel special, they put you on a pedestal, then they leave you hanging. Like nothing ever happened between you two. And then you must act like you don't care. Thats the worst feeling in the world: when someone makes you feel special, then they suddenly leave and you have to act like you dont care at all.
