This life is crazy. Parties and staying up late are getting overrated. The weather and getting dark super early gets me tired right away. It should be a good thing but all it does it fuck up my circadian rhythm. Lately I've been tired of everything. And there is never enough time in the world, two, three, how many months have blown past? And so much has been crammed into them. I was in New York only a few months ago and yet it feels as if I haven't been in years. I realize college is right here and I haven't even started apps hahahahahaha
I wonder.. if me as a kid would be proud of what he would become?
I have no clue where my loyalties lie nowadays. I can't seem to stick to one group, there are just so many people in this little town. And this is only one town. I lay awake with my pillow and think before I fall asleep, and this runs through my mind constantly: the hustle and bustle of this tiny town leaves me drained with no time at all and yet this is only a small town. There is a city, a state, a country, a world, so many things left unexplored and unseen. I have yet to see outside of this country yet I am overwhelmed by the high school lifestyle. It amazes me honestly. I can't seem to shake this feeling. To think alone and late at night is a terrible thing to face. I've never felt so alone, so small. Insignificant.
Trust is hard to come by. Honesty is too. I have a few good, close friends but I don't spend enough time with them. I need to. I can't sit and wallow in selfpity everyday, lying awake in my bed, thoughts galloping through my head. This quiet violence rage through my mind and threatens to consume me and all the thoughts in my head. I have a feeling by the time 2010 comes to a close my personality will be radically different, I am a whole other person right now, imagine what I will be in a month. I feel like I'm in a constant cycle of caterpillar to cocoon to butterfly, stuck perpetually changing and being forced to progression. And everything I see, hear, read, everything said to me, everything, I remember vividly, replaying in my head constantly. I have no idea why but everything you people say and do means something to me. Words have new meaning to me. People are easier to read. Things are less foggy but I still don't understand everything. People have odd reasons for doing things, actions sprout from awkward roots, everyone has underlying causes for everything. And I've come to see that there are so many things left unsaid. I wear my emotions like a mask.
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You were my bestfriend too. I think I see all that I've lost. But I can't say I regret anything because at one point I wanted to get rid of you. Words you said and sent replay in my head. Good luck with life. I think I realize what you were to me.You helped me change into something smarter, you made me realize I gotta keep my guard up. Never again will that happen. I won't let anyone in ever again. You were my only exception.
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Music should ease the pain, calm the nerves a bit. I need to find a new drug. Something to soothe my soul.. I pray for not another day of this
