I miss this blog. I kept a diary for years on this thing. I stopped writing right before John left to the military. Right when league started in on my life. Hilarious. A lot has changed.
I am happy as fuck with the love of my life on this spree of bliss and never caring what the time is. I'm so happy. It is lovely being like this but it scared me to the core because something this great cannot last forever, I am never just happy for long. Complications and doubts enter the frame and things go awry for the time being. But I cope well and am determined with this one. You dont find great girls everywhere you know. I truly miss knowing myself to the fullest though. I am so lost in this ecstasy that nothing is clear, its all a blurry illusion. I'm so strung out on joy and smiles, I cant even comprehend where my personality is going.
I'm trapped in my own delusions but it makes me so damn happy being this way.
12.13.2013
2.18.2012
SHITTY
Life has been better. It's been good for about 3 weeks or so. After my little trip and sobriety along with the start of school.. life has been better. Not as depressed. I've been running and working out more. I've been productive. Bettering myself through many fields. I do what I want. Live and let live.
At the same time..
Fuck all those fake ass friends. Fuck you people that text me back when you feel like it. Fuck you people that don't even bother to respond. Fuck you that dont even attempt to try to hit me back, nothing. Its frustrating. What the fuck am I if you cant bother to do that tiny thing.. a text is simply as fuck, it takes like 4 seconds to write and your phone is in your hands anyway. Motherfucker. If I had a gun.. I'd be in jail.
At the same time..
Fuck all those fake ass friends. Fuck you people that text me back when you feel like it. Fuck you people that don't even bother to respond. Fuck you that dont even attempt to try to hit me back, nothing. Its frustrating. What the fuck am I if you cant bother to do that tiny thing.. a text is simply as fuck, it takes like 4 seconds to write and your phone is in your hands anyway. Motherfucker. If I had a gun.. I'd be in jail.
1.31.2012
MIXED
School is well. Class is in session. I have resumed my work.
My body. Working out everyday and eating healthy sucks. But I want to be perfection incarnate.
Every word you say to me echoes. I think about you so much, it's scary.
I don't want to be attached to you. I don't want to be attached to you.
I don't trust you. You scare me.
I hope everything ends up okay.
My body. Working out everyday and eating healthy sucks. But I want to be perfection incarnate.
Every word you say to me echoes. I think about you so much, it's scary.
I don't want to be attached to you. I don't want to be attached to you.
I don't trust you. You scare me.
I hope everything ends up okay.
1.08.2012
au revoir 2011
dear blog,
so. good bye to my graduation year. was super fucking fun and epic. but that is not why i am here.
friends. i fucking hate all of mine. i dont know what i do to deserve treatment such as this but it is perpetual and i am damn near used to it. though it does provoke me. i try to always involve people, i try to be a good friend, i really do. im actually good to people, suprisingly. but alas that is not the case. i am out of the loop. or uninvited. or blatantly told i cant join. i guess.. some people cant hang out with more than 3 people at a time. which does not make sense to me. i dont know how i slip thought peoples minds so often, i guess i am unremarkable. though i feel as though i should be remembered. and invited. but whatever fuck everyone. i dont know why you feel the need to only hang out with a certain group. especially when i am also friends with everyone in the group. i dont get it. i dont get any fucking person. i always invite people. i smoke people out. i invite people to drink at my house, i let people sleep in my home. where the fuck is my break. when does this get any better. why do i waste my time. i dont see why its like that. i dont know why my texts are harder to answer or your phone always looses signal. fuck everyone. i dont know why i am ignored. fuck. i wish i knew what i was doing wrong. instead of feeling like this. all the time. i need better friends. someone reliable. someone that actually needs me.. thatll never happen. good thing i only trust myself. everyone just lets me down. lone wolf.
all i really have are cigarettes and my skateboard. my friends are all fake. but i know im gonna go back to them. ugh. i hate myself. i should really jump off a bridge or something. suicide is always on my mind. sadly.
sincerly, nicholas
so. good bye to my graduation year. was super fucking fun and epic. but that is not why i am here.
friends. i fucking hate all of mine. i dont know what i do to deserve treatment such as this but it is perpetual and i am damn near used to it. though it does provoke me. i try to always involve people, i try to be a good friend, i really do. im actually good to people, suprisingly. but alas that is not the case. i am out of the loop. or uninvited. or blatantly told i cant join. i guess.. some people cant hang out with more than 3 people at a time. which does not make sense to me. i dont know how i slip thought peoples minds so often, i guess i am unremarkable. though i feel as though i should be remembered. and invited. but whatever fuck everyone. i dont know why you feel the need to only hang out with a certain group. especially when i am also friends with everyone in the group. i dont get it. i dont get any fucking person. i always invite people. i smoke people out. i invite people to drink at my house, i let people sleep in my home. where the fuck is my break. when does this get any better. why do i waste my time. i dont see why its like that. i dont know why my texts are harder to answer or your phone always looses signal. fuck everyone. i dont know why i am ignored. fuck. i wish i knew what i was doing wrong. instead of feeling like this. all the time. i need better friends. someone reliable. someone that actually needs me.. thatll never happen. good thing i only trust myself. everyone just lets me down. lone wolf.
all i really have are cigarettes and my skateboard. my friends are all fake. but i know im gonna go back to them. ugh. i hate myself. i should really jump off a bridge or something. suicide is always on my mind. sadly.
sincerly, nicholas
9.20.2011
I hate waiting, I hate dumb broads, I hate rumors..
The new facebook could be worse. I'm happy now I guess
8.02.2011
SUPERMAN
This universe. This planet. This county.. is massive. I feel so tiny in this world.
Everybody lies and flakes and is a bad friend. There are very few people that I actually want to invest my trust to.
Girls are nothing but trouble.
My future is right in front of me and I don't know how to react. I don't want to face these fears..
I hate being out of shit.
Everybody lies and flakes and is a bad friend. There are very few people that I actually want to invest my trust to.
Girls are nothing but trouble.
My future is right in front of me and I don't know how to react. I don't want to face these fears..
I hate being out of shit.
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